New Week, New Stresses

Had my first counceling appointment today. I love that my University has this available for it's students. I have most certainly taken advantage of their services (and the tea in the waiting room) My ritual for this is I walk in, check in and drink a small cup of jasmine green tea to sort of center myself for this. It became my ritual a few years ago when I was going through a lot of emotional stuff from a really bad breakup. That breakup was actually the push that got the ball rolling on my path to combating my negativity but that's another story.

It went well, I talked about my concerns with my medication and the reasons why I finally gave in and decided to start on a therapy program to get this anxiety out of my life. Granted, it probably won't ever completely go away, but keeping it under my control is what I ultimately want to happen. I want control, no longer will it control me.

I've been thinking a lot on the emotional journeys of my story characters for a while too. These characters get me through a lot of hardship and this is no different. They're like little muses to cheer me on and give me guidance with a voice I sometimes don't have in myself. Yes, I know they are a figment of my imagination, but any little defense I can build for myself helps. I feel this is a really awesome, creative way of going about it.

Physically, I'm feeling eh...my stomach has not been cooperative lately. I just want to vomit everything in my belly sometimes. That might just be the stress. Meds can't take care of all of it, you know. Some of it I gotta do on my own.

Alone in the lab

I have been trying not to spend too much time alone. It isn't completely empty here in the lab, but most of the usual crowd have left and I suddenly hear only white noise and shuffling. The air in here has got to be 65, I am so ridiculously cold, right down to my toes.

My homework has not gone well this evening and I am left wondering what the hell I am really doing this all for. I don't know what I want to go into. I'm not very strong in many areas in this degree and yet I still made it here. I was placed here, so I will stick it out.

Everyone here is coughing, probably because this place is so goddamn cold. I am already sick in my brain, I don't need to be sick elsewhere in my body.

I've had some aches that I can't explain and I am not sure if they are to do with the meds. I'm still a little shaky in the morning and at night my arm starts to feel really funny and I go to bed fearing death just like I did before the meds. My heart was beating so much from stress I did worry that I would go to sleep and never wake up in the morning. I cuddle my cat and pray that I get to have a morning to wake up to. It sometimes keeps me up at night, being too afraid to simply die in my sleep. Because I don't want to die! I want to find out what I'm here for, find out everything there is to learn, make as much beautiful and meaningful art as I can.

I will finish up my work here tonight and get some well deserved rest. I think after a day like today, I need it.

Chugging along

I have felt so much better the last two days. Still a bit of weirdness, but I am able to use the machinery at the glass shop now and a lot more energetic. I kicked ass at work today but school...eh I am still behind from sleeping so much the past few days. Hopefully I will be able to catch up this weekend.

My creativity is buzzing without the stress taking over my mind. Asking a lot of 'what if' questions about the stories I was working on, mostly just to see how it would change if I moved stuff around drastically. In my head of course. The true test of the treatment is coming soon as deadlines at school approach. I will be having a counseling session next week, there are a few things I need to discuss that will hopefully be lifting some things off my shoulders.

Alright, I am hungry and sleepy, so bed time!

A Prayer to the Divine

Oh my sweet Lord, how is it that there are, gathered around me everything I need to transform myself? I am ever astounded at the breadth of your omniscience. I have been travelling this long road for so very long and I am weary. But somehow I have the strength to follow my talents and my dreams. Somehow, I have the resilience to wake up every day and tell myself "No, I am getting up today."

This medication is starting to help, but it will not be forever, Lord. I want to meditate, to become closer to the divine living spirit that is within me. I must welcome myself and take the wisdom the Self knows to push out the ailments of my mind. I want to know the true happiness that is being open to the microcosm of the Self.

So I am healing and you come in the form of friends, in the form of my inner voice to keep me on this path. I stand, with my bow raised, Lord. I stand ready for battle, a warrior for my Self.

Aum Shanti

Day the Fourth

Today I went to a tailgate breakfast party (it was an early game). I felt really really great this morning, just a little jittery. Got to talk to people, I was upbeat, really on top of conversations and totally at ease.

As the afternoon wore on I got groggy, really groggy. I went over to a classmate's to work on a project and found myself starting to nod off. And then since I hadn't eaten in a long time I started to feel extra weird. I...should have waited to take the dose this evening, I am finally starting to calm down a bit, I took it about three hours ago and about 30 min in I needed to take a nap. I have next to me a steaming mug of black tea, hopefully I will feel a bit more awake.

I have made it a point to explain to a good many of the people I encounter daily what is going on. I want to be sure they understand what to do if they observe some undesired effect of this medication. I know for a lot of people this is a private matter, but I disagree. And I love that everyone is supportive telling me "I'm glad you will start to feel better!" and I reassure them that I will be doing more than simply drugs to manage this so I can be a happier, healthier person. It is so reassuring to have so much support. I feel like these people have been placed around me. I hope also they can learn from me (or at least learn about these meds).

until next time,
Aum Shanti

The Way of Growth

Shortly after the previous post, I began to feel the effects of the medication. The new sensations and feelings of warmth and weirdness sent me into a really bad panic attack. I sorely regretted what I had eaten earlier that night as I nearly emptied the contents of my innards. I didn't vomit but I certainly felt some other digestive effects of the meds. Frantically, I called my best friend, crying, telling her how scared I was, especially after the panic attack.

In the morning, I called the doctor. He reassured me that the attack was partially my fear and partially my body not used to it. He had prescribed me some other pills to make me sleepy, I suppose he anticipated this happening. So I am giving it some time, we shall see. Yesterday was just terrible, I couldn't eat anything and I was so sleepy. I came home from work and passed out for almost two hours and woke up thinking I had slept through an entire day. I started freaking and then reassured myself that I had not done that. But as the evening continued, I called for help and ended up watching Project Runway at a friends (I nearly fell asleep during). The worst part of yesterday was that a guy in my class that I have started to make friends with (and whom I kinda like) had to hear me spill what was happening but he was willing to listen and that really helped. I even told my professor. But I feel that the more people know, the more who can monitor me in case something happens.

Today, things were a lot better, but I was still drowsy as hell and a little woozy. I nearly started to panic again but a quick phone call and a shower calmed me down.

I just want to be better now, like RIGHT NOW. But that is the way of growth, you cannot just go from point A to point B without some challenges and pitfalls along the way. Otherwise, the journey wouldn't be worth it.

Aum Shanti

The Journey Begins

I flipped through the paperwork, trying to understand exactly what I was about to do. Gingerly, I unscrewed the cap, peeled off a seal and peered inside the bottle filled with small, bluish pills.

This should be a sort of turning point, a thing I remember always, but I simply felt nothing. I swallowed it and chugged a glass of water for good measure. This is the bravest thing I have done for myself. I have always been against medication for this sort of thing. It became a stigma for me and with good reason, this stuff is scary. When it goes wrong, it can really go wrong. I nearly began bawling after I called my mother. She said:

But you will be suicidal.

This is the biggest stigma of anti-depressants: That they will make you feel worse. So why on Earth would a doctor prescibe it? Because with ANY medication, there is risk...if just so happens that this risk involves negative thoughts. But I am not going to let this risk get in the way of living a healthy, more emotionally stable and calm lifestyle.

I have been suffering with anxiety and mild depression for years. It has been since March that I had my last depressive episode coupled with a few panic attacks. However, since I have started my post-graduate studies, it became clear to me that therapy was not going to cut it anymore. Something was keeping me from reaching my goal and my now frequent anxiety attacks (not quite the same as panic) have left me exhausted from just trying to function. My nerves are my worst enemy.

I began listing all the things I would be able to do once healed. Now that I've started a more aggressive plan, I hope to be able to. My first milestone will be to go and face my fear of hypodermic needles. But more on that later.

I want to use this blog to talk about my journey and monitor myself. I will be completely candid, this is the real me, good and bad.

Let the journey begin.

Aum Shanti.