I recently finished a novel whose love story was fantastic. Of course, the romance wasn't the focal point of the plot which is generally how I like my novels. But the heroine is much like how I want to be, strong, independent, driven and exceptional in her line of work. At this point in her life, she was expected to be grieving, as her fiance had just been killed. She, however was on the verge of calling the engagement off. She didn't want to marry him because she found out how childish and disrespectful he really was and had difficulty grieving him for this. She did feel that his death could have been prevented had she been there when he was attacked.
Her work calls her on a mission to solve a kidnapping and she is paired with an unusual, but talented mage. Over the course of the book, they grow fond of each other and she realizes that he was everything her fiance was not. He was kind, respectful and didn't try to engage in reckless behavior to impress her.
By the end I couldn't take it anymore. The author just fabricated every woman's fantasy man. I thought this most be some new kind of porn for women, a fantasy most of us single young ladies dream of: a genuinly strong, kind, man who can sew and cook. Ok, that might just be a fantasy for someone in the society for creative anachronism or just mine. He was everything I know I want in a potential mate. It just killed me because I'm convinced that the only place I will find such a thing is in a fantasy novel.
It is why I'm single, I cannot put my faith in someone else. I've tried in the past and learned that the only person I can rely on is myself. Relationships have brought me nothing but pain and disappointment. Perhaps it is that I seem to get involved with guys who carry baggage from past relationships, baggage that they don't put behind them when they are with me. When they look at me, the see something I am not and when I decide to give them a reality check the only thing I recieve is a broken heart. I will not be secondary to anyone and won't tolerate it. I want to be that person's number 1, not their rebound. It is incredibly demeaning to be someone's rebound and I seem to be Miss Rebound an awful lot.
I deserve far better.
And then I realized: I don't need their validation. I can be perfectly whole and happy not being in a relationship. I enjoy my solitude and taking time just to pamper and spoil myself. Because I really do deserve to be treated with love and respect and if I can't give that to myself, how can I expect others to do the same?
I'm young, I'm exploring. Having this time to get to know myself is such a gift! Do I get lonely? All the time. Do I want to share my life with someone? Certainly, when the time is right. Do I miss being held and kissed and getting shoulder rubs? God yes. But I would not trade anything for this time of personal growth. When I do find that person I wish to share my life with, he will know me as a fully realized version of myself, someone who knows who they are and what they want out of life.
So Valentine's Day this year? Totally getting a massage followed by super duper awesome ME time.
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