Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Nobody Loves Me Like I Love Me

I recently finished a novel whose love story was fantastic. Of course, the romance wasn't the focal point of the plot which is generally how I like my novels. But the heroine is much like how I want to be, strong, independent, driven and exceptional in her line of work. At this point in her life, she was expected to be grieving, as her fiance had just been killed. She, however was on the verge of calling the engagement off. She didn't want to marry him because she found out how childish and disrespectful he really was and had difficulty grieving him for this. She did feel that his death could have been prevented had she been there when he was attacked.

Her work calls her on a mission to solve a kidnapping and she is paired with an unusual, but talented mage. Over the course of the book, they grow fond of each other and she realizes that he was everything her fiance was not. He was kind, respectful and didn't try to engage in reckless behavior to impress her.

By the end I couldn't take it anymore. The author just fabricated every woman's fantasy man. I thought this most be some new kind of porn for women, a fantasy most of us single young ladies dream of: a genuinly strong, kind, man who can sew and cook. Ok, that might just be a fantasy for someone in the society for creative anachronism or just mine. He was everything I know I want in a potential mate. It just killed me because I'm convinced that the only place I will find such a thing is in a fantasy novel.

It is why I'm single, I cannot put my faith in someone else. I've tried in the past and learned that the only person I can rely on is myself. Relationships have brought me nothing but pain and disappointment. Perhaps it is that I seem to get involved with guys who carry baggage from past relationships, baggage that they don't put behind them when they are with me. When they look at me, the see something I am not and when I decide to give them a reality check the only thing I recieve is a broken heart. I will not be secondary to anyone and won't tolerate it. I want to be that person's number 1, not their rebound. It is incredibly demeaning to be someone's rebound and I seem to be Miss Rebound an awful lot.

I deserve far better.

And then I realized: I don't need their validation. I can be perfectly whole and happy not being in a relationship. I enjoy my solitude and taking time just to pamper and spoil myself. Because I really do deserve to be treated with love and respect and if I can't give that to myself, how can I expect others to do the same?

I'm young, I'm exploring. Having this time to get to know myself is such a gift! Do I get lonely? All the time. Do I want to share my life with someone? Certainly, when the time is right. Do I miss being held and kissed and getting shoulder rubs? God yes. But I would not trade anything for this time of personal growth. When I do find that person I wish to share my life with, he will know me as a fully realized version of myself, someone who knows who they are and what they want out of life.

So Valentine's Day this year? Totally getting a massage followed by super duper awesome ME time.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Fleet Foxes - Grown Ocean




In that dream I'm as old as the mountains
Still is starlight reflected in fountains
Children grown on the edge of the ocean
Kept like jewelry, kept with devotion

In that dream moving slow through the morning

You would come to me then without answers
Lick my wounds and remove my demands for now
Eucalyptus and orange trees are blooming
In that dream there's no darkness a-looming

In that dream moving slow through the morning time

In that dream I could hardly contain it
All my life I will wait to attain it
There, there, there

I know someday the smoke will all burn off
All these voices I'll someday have turned off
I will see you someday when I've woken
I'll be so happy just to have spoken
I'll have so much to tell you about it

In that dream I could hardly contain it
All my life I will wait to attain it
There, there, there

Wide-eyed walker, don't betray me
I will wake one day, don't delay me
Wide-eyed leaver, always going

Spring Cleaning

After I came back from visiting family for the holidays, I underwent a massive purging of my apartment. I suppose 'massive' is relative. I made several piles, one for Goodwill, another for the local animal shelter, another for books to sell to a local book vendor that takes more recent publications and another for books to another local store (had to strategize to get the most out of it).

The animal shelter was pleased to recieve the towels and blankets, and I was pleased to be rid of them. There was simply too much clutter for one person to use. Goodwill recieved a box, a laundry hamper and a garbage bag of clothes and bedding from when I used to live in the campus dorms. After all was said and done, I had a lot of space. So I took this opportunity to organize what was left and make my life a lot simpler. I figure this will aid me in my quest to overcome stress.

I am trying to develop better living habits but in the face of a new semester, we shall see how much I accomplish. I've already gotten a better oral hygene regamin started. The dishes continue to be a challenge, but laundry is looking promising. Clean feels so good!

In addition: I got a planner for the first time since high school. So I can write down my assignments and other reminders. I WILL get organized. I used to be extrememly organized until college. Time to stop being a slob!