The past week or so, I've found myself on the verge of tears a lot. I don't know why I am suddenly having a surge of emotions, perhaps it is the memories I have attached to this particular time of the year.

Last year, I got dumped in what I felt was the worst way possible. It was difficult, because I know this was not my fault. I mean, I may have been the catalyst, but the choice was his, not mine.

Long Story short: Me, liked this guy for a long time. He, was in an emotionally abusive relationship off and on for years with this...girl. (I have a few choice words to describe her, naturally). They had been broken up for a year after she went to Switzerland for some internship or something. She dumped him after he sent her a VERY expensive gift. I was feeling bold and confessed that I liked him. He knew, I guess because a mutual friend told him (I don't mind, made it easier on me). So we date and spend time together and I really think this might work out. Unfortunately, his baggage kept him from it, the ex had him ensnared emotionally. They still kept in contact and he told me about it. I was cool with it at first, until she started to say things that were incredibly manipulative. So, before spring break, I presented him with an ultimatum: stop talking to her, or stop dating me. Of course, he chose her. The night before he dumped me, I knew it was coming. I had a full blown panic attack and nearly vomited the entirety of food I had managed to eat that day. I was scared, lonely, and needed someone more than ever. But I didn't want to bother him with my anxiety so early in the relationship. The next day, we went to get coffee and then we went to talk in the Engineering building. When he broke it to me, I was cold, so coldly angry. I told him we was an idiot. I was furious, devastated. I went home and sobbed. I cried for days, I was so furious. I went to the painting studio and threw stuff, I went to the woodshop and broke down wooden boxes with a hammer while screaming. I scared the ever loving hell out of everyone, so deep was my anger. How could he? How could he hate himself so much that he'd choose to be emotionally abused forever? How could he break my heart? I utterly fell apart.

So I was the catalyst in my own heartbreak. I had to do it, because it is no fun feeling like the rebound. I feel that I am perpetually in this role. I deserve so much more than that. It hurts me that so many of my friends have had successful relationships and I am still not understanding what it is like to trust someone so completely. I don't feel capable of it. I am so self-reliant most of the time, I frequently shut down people who do flirt with me, rare as that is. I have to, for my own defense. I don't want to go back to therapy, I don't want to have to go back to being depressed because some jackass didn't appreciate me and I chose to do something about it and ended up being the one most hurt. It is a dark, terrible place.

I just feel incredibly lonely today. All I've wanted has been a nice, warm, comforting hug. But I am thinking more and more that it is too much to ask for.

Humanist Morality

Politicians (particularly those of the Conservative persuasion) seem to enjoy throwing around words like 'morality'. I don't trust their morality. My lack of trust stems from the fact that their personal morality originates from what they consider 'divine'. I have always been of the belief that one's morality should not be divinely inspired. You should do what is right for the benefit of everyone. When you do it for the divine, you are doing it to gain favor with your deity and thus do it for selfish reasons. When you go to a third world country on a 'mission', you should be there to improve the quality of the people's lives, not to spread your religion like an infectious disease.

I have for a long time considered myself a humanist. I didn't entirely have the words to express what I was until I read the works of Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry David Thoreau. 'Humanistic' is how I describe my morals. My morals were established before I ever attended church and therefore I do not attribute my sense of morality to the devine.

So as you might guess, it is utterly painful for me to see this country turn towards theocracy. I do believe in the existence of a divine force, but I cannot subscribe to the hateful attitudes of social conservatives. They of course would accuse me of being what they might consider 'atheist' because of my belief in science and searching for truth (something that is preached about at length in the Gita, finding truth). I don't want to live in a world where children are not taught to think for themselves and discover truth. I don't want to live in a world where ignorance and bigotry reign supreme.

I believe that having a morality that comes from religion is going to destroy our society. God must be separated from our sense of right and wrong. You cannot rely on literature from antiquity to tell you what to do or how to live. We as a species have moved beyond that. That is not to say that studying the Bible isn't necessary, you should study all literature it is food for thought.

I am not really sure where I was going with this. I just wanted to express it. I feel an incredible sense of mourning when illusion reigns supreme in the minds of humans. We lose so much we have gained.

Nobody Loves Me Like I Love Me

I recently finished a novel whose love story was fantastic. Of course, the romance wasn't the focal point of the plot which is generally how I like my novels. But the heroine is much like how I want to be, strong, independent, driven and exceptional in her line of work. At this point in her life, she was expected to be grieving, as her fiance had just been killed. She, however was on the verge of calling the engagement off. She didn't want to marry him because she found out how childish and disrespectful he really was and had difficulty grieving him for this. She did feel that his death could have been prevented had she been there when he was attacked.

Her work calls her on a mission to solve a kidnapping and she is paired with an unusual, but talented mage. Over the course of the book, they grow fond of each other and she realizes that he was everything her fiance was not. He was kind, respectful and didn't try to engage in reckless behavior to impress her.

By the end I couldn't take it anymore. The author just fabricated every woman's fantasy man. I thought this most be some new kind of porn for women, a fantasy most of us single young ladies dream of: a genuinly strong, kind, man who can sew and cook. Ok, that might just be a fantasy for someone in the society for creative anachronism or just mine. He was everything I know I want in a potential mate. It just killed me because I'm convinced that the only place I will find such a thing is in a fantasy novel.

It is why I'm single, I cannot put my faith in someone else. I've tried in the past and learned that the only person I can rely on is myself. Relationships have brought me nothing but pain and disappointment. Perhaps it is that I seem to get involved with guys who carry baggage from past relationships, baggage that they don't put behind them when they are with me. When they look at me, the see something I am not and when I decide to give them a reality check the only thing I recieve is a broken heart. I will not be secondary to anyone and won't tolerate it. I want to be that person's number 1, not their rebound. It is incredibly demeaning to be someone's rebound and I seem to be Miss Rebound an awful lot.

I deserve far better.

And then I realized: I don't need their validation. I can be perfectly whole and happy not being in a relationship. I enjoy my solitude and taking time just to pamper and spoil myself. Because I really do deserve to be treated with love and respect and if I can't give that to myself, how can I expect others to do the same?

I'm young, I'm exploring. Having this time to get to know myself is such a gift! Do I get lonely? All the time. Do I want to share my life with someone? Certainly, when the time is right. Do I miss being held and kissed and getting shoulder rubs? God yes. But I would not trade anything for this time of personal growth. When I do find that person I wish to share my life with, he will know me as a fully realized version of myself, someone who knows who they are and what they want out of life.

So Valentine's Day this year? Totally getting a massage followed by super duper awesome ME time.

Fleet Foxes - Grown Ocean

In that dream I'm as old as the mountains
Still is starlight reflected in fountains
Children grown on the edge of the ocean
Kept like jewelry, kept with devotion

In that dream moving slow through the morning

You would come to me then without answers
Lick my wounds and remove my demands for now
Eucalyptus and orange trees are blooming
In that dream there's no darkness a-looming

In that dream moving slow through the morning time

In that dream I could hardly contain it
All my life I will wait to attain it
There, there, there

I know someday the smoke will all burn off
All these voices I'll someday have turned off
I will see you someday when I've woken
I'll be so happy just to have spoken
I'll have so much to tell you about it

In that dream I could hardly contain it
All my life I will wait to attain it
There, there, there

Wide-eyed walker, don't betray me
I will wake one day, don't delay me
Wide-eyed leaver, always going

Spring Cleaning

After I came back from visiting family for the holidays, I underwent a massive purging of my apartment. I suppose 'massive' is relative. I made several piles, one for Goodwill, another for the local animal shelter, another for books to sell to a local book vendor that takes more recent publications and another for books to another local store (had to strategize to get the most out of it).

The animal shelter was pleased to recieve the towels and blankets, and I was pleased to be rid of them. There was simply too much clutter for one person to use. Goodwill recieved a box, a laundry hamper and a garbage bag of clothes and bedding from when I used to live in the campus dorms. After all was said and done, I had a lot of space. So I took this opportunity to organize what was left and make my life a lot simpler. I figure this will aid me in my quest to overcome stress.

I am trying to develop better living habits but in the face of a new semester, we shall see how much I accomplish. I've already gotten a better oral hygene regamin started. The dishes continue to be a challenge, but laundry is looking promising. Clean feels so good!

In addition: I got a planner for the first time since high school. So I can write down my assignments and other reminders. I WILL get organized. I used to be extrememly organized until college. Time to stop being a slob!