I told myself after a severely disappointing romantic endeavour that I would not pursue something like that until I am completely healed. Or rather, when I've completely embraced myself for who I am and experience the solace of self-love. It is so hard to keep to this promise, especially when my hormones are raging and I feel longing for human contact.
The thing I find to be the most difficult is learning to trust myself in this department. I feel like I made this promise so I wouldn't walk right into a shitty situation again. I seem to have a bad habit of being attracted to guys with baggage from previous relationships. Granted, I have my own baggage to deal with, but life is so much simpler when I just say 'to hell with relationships'.
I thought I was doing alright...until I developed a really severe crush on someone. I have no idea what to do with this other than ignore it and continue to feed myself the really sensible thoughts like ' you are in grad school, you don't have time for this' and 'you remember what happened last time?'
The worst part is that I'm pretty sure he's seen the worst in me. In some way I feel like I sabotaged it subconciously. I can't help being myself though, even if not all of it is good.
I suppose I can go back to ignoring this. I think after the spring semester, I will see how I feel and perhaps attempt to test the waters. That is, if he's still single. If not, I will take it as a sign and just forget about it. But would a coffee and/or beer over some really amazing cerebral conversation be ok? Not sure.
No comments:
Post a Comment