Hormones and Lonliness

I told myself after a severely disappointing romantic endeavour that I would not pursue something like that until I am completely healed. Or rather, when I've completely embraced myself for who I am and experience the solace of self-love. It is so hard to keep to this promise, especially when my hormones are raging and I feel longing for human contact.

The thing I find to be the most difficult is learning to trust myself in this department. I feel like I made this promise so I wouldn't walk right into a shitty situation again. I seem to have a bad habit of being attracted to guys with baggage from previous relationships. Granted, I have my own baggage to deal with, but life is so much simpler when I just say 'to hell with relationships'.

I thought I was doing alright...until I developed a really severe crush on someone. I have no idea what to do with this other than ignore it and continue to feed myself the really sensible thoughts like ' you are in grad school, you don't have time for this' and 'you remember what happened last time?'

The worst part is that I'm pretty sure he's seen the worst in me. In some way I feel like I sabotaged it subconciously. I can't help being myself though, even if not all of it is good.

I suppose I can go back to ignoring this. I think after the spring semester, I will see how I feel and perhaps attempt to test the waters. That is, if he's still single. If not, I will take it as a sign and just forget about it. But would a coffee and/or beer over some really amazing cerebral conversation be ok? Not sure.

Personhood

WARNING: colorful metaphors ahead.

I am feeling incredibly irritated with the idiots who are in office in this country. Apparently, religious zealots feel the need to push their horrifying agendas on the whole nation.

I am speaking of this 'personhood' movement that's been going around and infecting hard-lined conservatives like a stupifying virus. Let's just make this clear, A ZYGOTE IS BIOLOGICALLY NOT A PERSON. A fertalized egg IS BIOLOGICALLY NOT A PERSON. A fetus is BIOLOGICALLY NOT A PERSON. In fact, IT IS TECHNICALLY A PARASITE.

But you know, to hell with science, let's make a zygote a person. NO.

Now, abortion is a terrible practice, don't get me wrong. I love children, children are wonderful joyful (sometimes frustrating) things. Late term abortion is unacceptable under any circumstances. For me, if it can cry, it is most certainly a human being. I consider a fetus who would be a viable baby outside the womb, a human. Third trimester pushes into this territory and is therefore very, very wrong. But a fertalized egg? Are you fucking kidding me? It takes up to two weeks for a zygote to implant and even be considered a pregnancy. It if doesn't implant, it dies and is expelled by the female body. Some women who are infertile cannot have a pregnancy because there's some chemistry or other biological reason the zygotes do not implant. So, if a zygote is a human being, it would now be considered murder for something that is completely natural. And what about ectopic pregnancies? MURDER. What about the mother? WHO CARES?

Actually what it comes down to is control. It has nothing to do with religion anymore, it has everything to do with controlling women. It disgusts me when people use this veil of religion as an excuse to be jackasses and oppress other people. It disgusts me that there are people in this country who would fight to proect the life of an un-person over the life of a fully cognitive, functional human female who just happens to be pregnant. A pregnant woman would be considered a second-class citizen. AND these same sons of bitches are TOTALLY ok with capital punishment and sending off our troops to war. Pro-life? Bullshit. You can't choose which life if you are pro-life. That implies ALL human life (or simply ALL life in general if you want to go that far).

Anyway, enough ranting, I have homework. I am just furious and these fanatics. Want to know something interesting? My friend, who is a Muslim, told me that in Islam, they do not consider human life a life until 2 months after conception. So, if a severly conservative religion doesn't even consider a zygote a person, then what the fuck?

UGH.

The Sickness Never Seems to End

Last week, I came down with an upper-respiratory infection. Ear, sinus AND lungs. It wasn't anything too terribly serious, but I went in to the doctor anyway. This woman, I swear, was a lady version of Dr McCoy from Star Trek. She really got on my case about things, especially my blood pressure. I thank her for giving me a wake-up call. For being 24 years old, that was way too high.

I started getting better from my infection when last night, I had a God-awful headache. And then I threw up, and threw up and threw up. The headache was gone, but oh God that was terrible. I took the day off from school and work to recover. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS WRONG. Other than my body being in rebellion from all the shit I've done to it the past few months.

Here's to being healthy.

Finding the Spiritual

I have a lot of friends who are atheist. I am thankful, however, that they are totally fine with theists who are reasonable people. I am a theist. When I was little, my family did not go to church. When I was 9 or 10, we started going to a little Presbyterian chruch. My father was raised Presbyterian so it seemed like a good place to start. And it was. I have been very comfortable with the Presbyterian way of doing things even though my views of God and spirituality have changed. Well actually, I am not sure they really changed so much as I figured out how I feel about things. This church generally has a good congregation. Made up of mostly millitary, retired military and educators, they are not pushy about faith, we all love food and fellowship and we are there for each other like a big family. This is the stellar example of what Christianity is supposed to be, for me, at least. We are all about fellowship and taking care of our fellow man. Most of the church's money goes to charity and it took nearly 30 years to come around to adding a new foyer and stained glass windows.

This is how I define Christianity. Take out the theology, and you should be left with people like this, people who follow the teachings of Yeshua (Jesus) as a man, and not as the Son.

I have a big problem with Christains, as a whole. Some of the biggest assholes I have ever encountered have the audacity to call themselves a Christian. They are disgusting human beings and are really only a 'Christian' for their own gain, not because they actually believe or follow that particular doctrine. Unfortunately, a lot of this has caused me to reject my upbringing, to a certain extent. I have always been facsinated by spirituality, however. Someone who is genuinely spiritual is also honest, giving, patient and accepting of others. I would consider my atheist friends very spiritual people. They are not spiritual in the sense that they believe in an all-powerful diety, that would make them theist. But they are spiritual in a sense that they believe in something larger than themselves. They believe in Truth, in the potential of humanity, in Science, in Existence.

I define spirituality as the awareness and acknowledgement of something larger than yourself. Be it God, or physics. You cannot tell me that Carl Sagan was not a spiritual person, just listen to how he talks about science. He has brought me to tears before with his love of science. "A far more glorious dawn awaits. Not a sunrise, but a galaxy rise."

As for me, I believe in a omnipotent creative entity. This entity is not tangible and does not posses a physical body nor is something that can be named or described by any one thing. It is part of everything, every atom and is the unseen, unknown force of existence. This entity itself is order and it is choas, it is the process of creation. It is concious and self-aware. It dwells within us, it is accessable from within us. A lot of these ideas come from the teachings of Krishna in the Bhagavad Gita. And it is the most peaceful, assuring idea of this abstract concept that I've managed to put into words. The Gita itself has made me cry and has affected me on a much deeper level than the Bible ever has. Don't get me wrong, the Bible is a great piece of literature, but it never brought me the sense of peace that the Gita, a much older and much shorter piece, has given to me.

So as I journey through my trials and tribulations, I always have to center myself with this idea that we are all one, united in creation by this omnipotent entity. Even when I'm angry and I want to punch a fundamentalist in the face, I have to remember that they are part of 'God' too. It is peaceful and has helped me through some tough stuff. And, most importantly, it has helped me learn to forgive. More on that later.

Aum Shanti.
As-Salamu Alaykum.
Shalom.
Shorah.
Peace be with you.