The past week or so, I've found myself on the verge of tears a lot. I don't know why I am suddenly having a surge of emotions, perhaps it is the memories I have attached to this particular time of the year.

Last year, I got dumped in what I felt was the worst way possible. It was difficult, because I know this was not my fault. I mean, I may have been the catalyst, but the choice was his, not mine.

Long Story short: Me, liked this guy for a long time. He, was in an emotionally abusive relationship off and on for years with this...girl. (I have a few choice words to describe her, naturally). They had been broken up for a year after she went to Switzerland for some internship or something. She dumped him after he sent her a VERY expensive gift. I was feeling bold and confessed that I liked him. He knew, I guess because a mutual friend told him (I don't mind, made it easier on me). So we date and spend time together and I really think this might work out. Unfortunately, his baggage kept him from it, the ex had him ensnared emotionally. They still kept in contact and he told me about it. I was cool with it at first, until she started to say things that were incredibly manipulative. So, before spring break, I presented him with an ultimatum: stop talking to her, or stop dating me. Of course, he chose her. The night before he dumped me, I knew it was coming. I had a full blown panic attack and nearly vomited the entirety of food I had managed to eat that day. I was scared, lonely, and needed someone more than ever. But I didn't want to bother him with my anxiety so early in the relationship. The next day, we went to get coffee and then we went to talk in the Engineering building. When he broke it to me, I was cold, so coldly angry. I told him we was an idiot. I was furious, devastated. I went home and sobbed. I cried for days, I was so furious. I went to the painting studio and threw stuff, I went to the woodshop and broke down wooden boxes with a hammer while screaming. I scared the ever loving hell out of everyone, so deep was my anger. How could he? How could he hate himself so much that he'd choose to be emotionally abused forever? How could he break my heart? I utterly fell apart.

So I was the catalyst in my own heartbreak. I had to do it, because it is no fun feeling like the rebound. I feel that I am perpetually in this role. I deserve so much more than that. It hurts me that so many of my friends have had successful relationships and I am still not understanding what it is like to trust someone so completely. I don't feel capable of it. I am so self-reliant most of the time, I frequently shut down people who do flirt with me, rare as that is. I have to, for my own defense. I don't want to go back to therapy, I don't want to have to go back to being depressed because some jackass didn't appreciate me and I chose to do something about it and ended up being the one most hurt. It is a dark, terrible place.

I just feel incredibly lonely today. All I've wanted has been a nice, warm, comforting hug. But I am thinking more and more that it is too much to ask for.

Humanist Morality

Politicians (particularly those of the Conservative persuasion) seem to enjoy throwing around words like 'morality'. I don't trust their morality. My lack of trust stems from the fact that their personal morality originates from what they consider 'divine'. I have always been of the belief that one's morality should not be divinely inspired. You should do what is right for the benefit of everyone. When you do it for the divine, you are doing it to gain favor with your deity and thus do it for selfish reasons. When you go to a third world country on a 'mission', you should be there to improve the quality of the people's lives, not to spread your religion like an infectious disease.

I have for a long time considered myself a humanist. I didn't entirely have the words to express what I was until I read the works of Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry David Thoreau. 'Humanistic' is how I describe my morals. My morals were established before I ever attended church and therefore I do not attribute my sense of morality to the devine.

So as you might guess, it is utterly painful for me to see this country turn towards theocracy. I do believe in the existence of a divine force, but I cannot subscribe to the hateful attitudes of social conservatives. They of course would accuse me of being what they might consider 'atheist' because of my belief in science and searching for truth (something that is preached about at length in the Gita, finding truth). I don't want to live in a world where children are not taught to think for themselves and discover truth. I don't want to live in a world where ignorance and bigotry reign supreme.

I believe that having a morality that comes from religion is going to destroy our society. God must be separated from our sense of right and wrong. You cannot rely on literature from antiquity to tell you what to do or how to live. We as a species have moved beyond that. That is not to say that studying the Bible isn't necessary, you should study all literature it is food for thought.

I am not really sure where I was going with this. I just wanted to express it. I feel an incredible sense of mourning when illusion reigns supreme in the minds of humans. We lose so much we have gained.